Conduct Unbecoming
by Rogue Cnidarian
Summary: With no consequences, Jack gets an evil idea. References to DanielJanet; humour; crack.


**Title:** Conduct Unbecoming  
**Category:** Jack, Daniel/Janet-ish, Bob, humour, crack.  
**Rating/warnings, etc:** PG-13 for some language and mild suggestion. _Window of Opportunity_. ~900 words.  
**Summary:** With no consequences, Jack gets an evil idea.  
**Disclaimer:** No profit is being made and no infringement is intended.

**A/N:** I should be doing a presentation. Instead I wrote this. I think I may be taking crazy pills.

**----**

Sam, Daniel and Teal'c were sat in the otherwise empty commissary when the door suddenly burst open, admitting a serene Jack O'Neill.

"Sir! Janet wants to speak with—" Carter began, coming to a stop as the point she was about to make became very moot. Right behind the Colonel was one extremely irate Doctor.

"Speak with whom?" Jack asked innocently. Daniel didn't answer, and Jack could see it was partly because he did _not_ want to get involved in this embryonic argument, and partly because he was momentarily struck dumb by Jack's correct use of 'whom'.

Jack looked at Teal'c, noting the disapproval rolling off him. Tired of doing translations each and every loop, Jack had decided to forgo it and play the prankster instead. Explaining the situation to Hammond, Daniel, Carter and Fraiser only spoilt his fun. And all work and no play made Jack…pissy. Teal'c had voiced his objections, but had stayed quiet all the same, no doubt concluding that it was easier just to agree. No-one would remember anyway. Looking at Teal'c's condemning gaze, Jack suspected this would be the last fun loop. Even Jack had to admit, he'd outdone himself this time.

He turned to Janet as if he had only just become aware of her presence. "Oh, hey Doc, didn't know you were joining us!"

Janet merely narrowed her eyes and glared.

Jack turned back to the room, bottom lip pulled back and eyes wide in alarm. "Uh-oh. She's got her angry eyes on…" he stated _sotto voce_.

"This is **not** funny, Colonel." Janet folded her arms.

"No, it's very serious, anaphylaxis. But back there – the part where you almost _almost _called me a bastard – that was funny. You got as far as 'b—'" Jack pursed his lips, imitating her, "And then you had to stop because otherwise it'd be a court-martialable offence." There was a note of glee in his voice.

The expression on Janet's face became even more venomous. Her whole body was rigid, frozen like an apoplectic statue. Sam and Daniel exchanged a fearful glance. _Fire in the hole!_

Without warning, Janet moved, bringing her hand into the air not a foot from Jack's face. With a little flourish, she extended her middle finger. "Court-martial this!" she snapped.

By the time everyone had located their lower jaws – or eyebrow, in Teal'c's case – Janet had gone.

Jack recovered first. "Huh. That went well."

Carter found her voice. "Sir, what in God's name did you _do_?"

"Nothing!"

Daniel stalked over to him, and Jack backed up with his hands raised. "Oh come on! It was a joke!"

"Well Janet obviously didn't see it that way!" Daniel sounded pretty angry too. Jack surreptitiously checked his escape route was clear.

"Ahh, you know I'm happy for you, right? Both of you. I'm glad you got it together and stopped dancing around each other. Fraiser's a wonderful woman. She knows I'm just yanking her chain!"

The week before the mission to P4X-639, before the loops started, Daniel and Janet had come back from their mutual leave with a secret glow about them. It hadn't taken long for Sam to extract the truth from Janet. As a result of the transfer of care that made Dr Warner Daniel's primary physician, the SGC rumour mill had been working overtime. The nurses' whispered suggestions had been repeated ad nauseam during Jack's loop-induced visits to the infirmary. Initially annoying, they had given him a truly wicked idea.

"Jack…" Daniel's voice held a tone of warning.

Jack made a dismissive gesture. "Daniel. It's me and the Doc – you know we sometimes fight like two cats in a bag. But we're friends really. It's no big deal."

"What. Did. You. Do?" Daniel ground out.

Jack opened his mouth, then shut it again as Carter and Teal'c approached, closing ranks. He let his shoulders slump and gave a heavy sigh. "I got, er— right, you know how it's a running joke in the infirmary – hell, the whole base – that Daniel is allergic to absolutely everything? Well, I _may_ have pinned something to Janet's office door."

"Something what?" Daniel pressed.

Jack winced. "A notice reminding her to take care with you. And also, er…" he mumbled the rest of the sentence.

"And..?"

He hunched over defensively, his voice so low that Sam and Daniel both leant toward him with their heads tilted slightly. "…packet of polyurethane condoms."

In the deathly silence that followed, someone made a small gurgle of incredulity. Three pairs of eyes swivelled towards Teal'c in amazement. Shame no-one would remember this landmark event… Making a mental note to thank him later for creating a diversion, Jack used the opportunity to make good his escape. Daniel was going to be livid; hell hath no fury like an archaeologist provoked. But Jack had a five second head-start. All he had to do was find a safe place and lay low until Fraiser stopped threatening to castrate him with a spoon. They'd all be none the wiser tomorrow. No harm done. Well, except the blood vessel on Daniel's temple. And the gut Jack had bust laughing after leaving the scene of the crime. The notice had been pretty large, impossible to miss, and no doubt Janet's nurses were working themselves into a lather about it right at this very moment. Quite the scandal.

Jack ducked into the elevator and quickly jabbed the button. _Es-capay_. Now, to address the important issue: how was he going to top that?

-----

**Fin**

I know, it's complete silliness, and I can only apologise for any psychological damage sustained. I've no idea where it came from, but I've been assured that it will be a good thing for me to come back to in years to come and laugh at.


End file.
